


Rants

by Leaf0254



Category: reality - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-05 21:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leaf0254/pseuds/Leaf0254
Summary: This is a rant journal type thing.Nothing in here is meant to hurt anybody. View discretion is advised. If you are offended by reading my rants, then please don't read it.





	1. Chapter 1

Relationships and Drama, ew. T

hat's something I'm so over.

But, there's this... This boy. And before I keep going, this is completely real. Okay?

Well, there's this b o y. Pretty cliche, right? Girl meets boy, falls in love, all that drama? Right. But I just needed somewhere to vent about this boy.

Well, I met him at the beginning of my Freshman year and we clicked. Immediately. I think it's love at first sight. Haha, I'm such a romantic... But, we dated on and off during the first semester. We cut off contact at the end of the first semester for a few days. Then we started talking again and we tried to date, but this girl got to him first. He was with her for a few days, and he came back to date me... I was happy for three months. But hitting spring break, I needed a break. I dated someone else, but he broke up with me after a while for mutual reasons.

Then, I started to pursue this girl.. She was and is wildly out of my league. I knew it would never happened, and I was really wanting this boy back... I was about to make it official. I told one of my best friends.. and here's where it starts. I told her that I was trying to make it official, not knowing SHE had already asked him out. I'm gonna call her Karen, to protect her privacy. I had been working my way to get with him since that weekend. But the day that she asked him out, which was a Tuesday, he had treated me like his queen. We cuddled all class and flirted and I made myself comfy laying on him and.. all that.. From when we were always together. Tuesday night, time to make it official.

I'm texting him on this website, I'm ready.

And.... Oh. He says he's gonna go date Karen so I could still pursue this other girl, I'll call her Sam, and be happy. He also said he really likes Karen and has for a while. I figured if that's what made him happy, then I'll be happy for him. But, wow, it really hurt me.

I always went to him for comfort and he was the only person keeping me from falling apart... I fell apart, to say the least, when I asked Karen-- Out of Respect!! --if she minded me hugging him, holding his hands, and laying on him, etc. Of course, she said she didn't want me doing any of that stuff. That was on Wednesday. To say the least, I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back. I didn't know that she had asked him out BEFORE I told her just yet. I cried all day that day. Ugh, I fell apart so bad!

I felt so embarrassed and it was AWFUL. I WAS A WRECK! Ugh, I'm getting embarrassed just thinking about it... I'd had plenty of therapy from my friends by Thursday and I was doing better. That was good. I talk to Karen a bit too, but not with everything.

I didn't want to hurt her, but I think talking to her did more damage to our friendship... I was happy it was a four day weekend, so Tuesday I came back to school with a smile. That was yesterday. I was doing better. Not happy, but better... My friend, who I'm gonna call Jillian, was telling me to ignore Karen's boundaries because she didn't respect mine. The boy, who I'm gonna call James, told me that she had asked him out. Of course I felt sad?? I’d told her I was trying to date him, and SHE told me she didn’t feel for him like that. At that time though, I didn't know that she had asked him first. I didn't know that until yesterday. I talked to her again, just got a lot more off my chest, and THEN I asked her if she'd asked him before or after.

Even though it was before, it still kinda hurts.. a lot.. because I'd been working towards dating James again for a while... And I really want him?? I really really REALLY want him! Ugh, I want to hug him and lay on him in the mornings when I'm cold and I want him to make time for me again and answer my calls, but he won't answer the phone anymore.. He doesn't wait on me anymore.. 

Is he forgetting me? He doesn't wait on me anymore after class, even when he isn't walking his girlfriend. He doesn't answer my calls anymore... And he's my best friend..  miss my best friend... 


	2. Chapter 2

BRUH, what da hekk. Well, I mean, I'm just extremely tired. I haven't gotten enough sleep, and it's like my mental health is failing me..

My thighs hurt from where I scratched at them, so that's a thing. I really regret it, like a lot. But it's all been done now.

I can't get much sleep right now, and I hate that... I want to sleep.. I really wanna sleep.

I keep thinking about that funeral where my dad ignored me. When Auntie passed away and I went to her funeral, it was like my last connection to my dads family was gone. And that's pretty much what happened. Seeing her lay in that casket was so hard on me. 

I wanted to get comfort from my dad, but when I looked at him with tears forming in my eyes like liquid memory of the few moments we had, he looked away to a girlfriend and a step daughter that had no connection to him. Or to Auntie. 

I remember that some lady that I didn't even know let me cry in her arms instead... and that stings.

I wonder what I got from my dad. What traits I got from him, what interests I got from him... 

It's... suffocating to think about him sometimes. I know I can't reach out to him easily, and I know my mom doesn't want me to, but... Ugh. Y'know? I want to know. I want to hear his voice.. It'll be the first time in a while I'd have heard his voice. I can't remember it. 

I remember a year later, when we were celebrating Auntie again, I saw him. And he turned his full attention to me, listened and hung on to my every word like he wanted to know me... Then, after that day, after the promise to see me again really really soon, he disappeared for another year or two. My 13th birthday party...  _He showed up...._ And EVERYTHING inside of me didn't want him to leave again...

_He left..._

He always leaves.. Every time. 

Dear Dad,

Where do you go?


	3. Nightmares and Other Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning, mentions of suicide, self harm and rape/non-consent.

I woke up around 11 from a nightmare and immediately started to have a panic attack... It was awful. It really sucked. I was borderline hyperventilating... 

For just a moment, I really believed that man had done that to me... I was too terrified to get up and peek into my moms room. Even if I had, I doubt it would have helped. 

It was kinda stupid of me to grab my iPod and immediately try to reach Vincent. But it was either find a grounding source or hyperventilate. I chose to find a grounding source. 

In my dream, my moms ex was back... When I was six, my mom started dating this guy. He moved in with us, and he was a shitty guy. He was on drugs and he treated us like a scratch on his brand new Lamborghini. I am female, so I guess... My body looks good to any perverts eyes?? But...

As I got older, he got more and more handsy... I was about... seven when he started to touch me wrong. It wasn't much at first, just my knees and collar bones, but over time it got worse. By the time I was about 10, he was touching me under my clothes. It was an awful thing to go through.. I don't wanna go into details..

He was waiting for me to 'grow up a little more' before he actually raped me. He was waiting for my period.. He called me his 'whore in training' and his 'play toy.' 

He's gone now, thank you to whatever god is out there.. But I still feel the things he did and said.. Over time, I grew into self harm.. I started feeling suicidal as I got a little older. I'm almost 15 now, and things are getting better.. But I had a nightmare that he raped me... I'd been okay for so long, and now I'm having nightmares that he's back..

I was crying so hard when I woke up. I couldn't breathe and I was trying to take in air, but I couldn't... I was so scared and I couldn't calm down. I was in a panic for about an hour... According to the texts I sent to Vinny... I was scratching at my clothes and my throat, but nothing was working... When I calmed down, I decided I would try to sleep again but when I woke up I still felt the panic... It's still sitting heavily on my shoulders. I have scratch marks all over my chest, and I broke another nail... 

When will it go away?? Why does it have to follow me to my dreams... It hurts to much, I feel like I'm suffocating... Everything is so suffocating.. There's no such thing as safety..


End file.
